my blogs don't lie

portarme muy mal en los brazos de algún caballero

myblogsdontlie — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 19:57:51 +0000

post-thanksgiving/black friday blues. i most definitely ate too much last night and have decided to spend the day laying on my stomach watching scooby doo, but it ended and i started to watch angels and demons.

i have two problems with this movie:

i think there’s a lot of sexual tension between tom hanks and his leading lady and was disappointed to see it never pan out.
ewan mcgregor is too good looking and too much of a tease as a member of the Roman Catholic clergy.

ewan and his seductive scottish brogue have inspired me to make a list of all the OHMILTF (older hot men i’d like to fuck). no, i don’t have daddy issues. my only issue is that my baby is in a committed relationship with someone other than me and it’s very difficult to homewreck a relationship that’s over the pond. i’ve homewrecked once and i’m down to homewreck again and i am now accepting donations. and by homewreck, i mean that i physically wreck homes. this list is in no particular order, besides ewan being numero uno.

1.) ewan mcgregor

i thought he was hot as qui gon ginn’s apprentice in star wars. he’s evolved since then with more serious roles like the carmelengo in “angels and demons.” i also want to create a new category besides OHMILTF and add OHGILTF (older hot gingers i’d like to fuck). i like that he’s scottish and the slight ginge thing is cute. i think he’s short but it’s whatever. he just seems like such a nice genuine person through interviews, and i’ve recently seen him performing at a charity event as the musical guest. he was covering eighties classics, like “boy’s don’t cry” and it was precious. i’m still watching angels and demons and ewan just dropped the ulster bomb (no pun intended, i just finished omagh and the condemn the atrocities committed on both sides, more so those of the protestants), indicating his character is supposed to be an irish catholic who escaped from ireland to italy during “the troubles.” so like, we descend from the same boat boyo.

2.) john stamos

i always wished that i was as lucky as michelle, stephanie, and dj to have such a cool and attractive uncle. the hair, the man, the music. his career has definitely faltered, but i remember he had some sort of a sitcom a few years back so he can’t be doing that bad. i just want to stare into his cool blue eyes while giving him a scalp massage.

3.) paul rudd

his birthday is one day before mine, so i think that means we’re meant to be. thought he was cute in “clueless,” but my crush fully developed after i saw “i love you, man.” it was the first movie that i’ve seen twice in theatres and it wasn’t just for the humor. he’s awkward and i love it. he was filming some movie with reese witherspoon this summer in philly and i didn’t get to see him. he also wetn to a phillies game. so then i went to a phillies game. i also could add jason segel to this list but i’ve already made it.

4.) matt damon

his best friend ben affleck is cute too but the whole jersey thing and jlo thing were too embarrassing. i still would like to find the frat bro who looks like him i ditched to talk to the phillies fan from la, and marry him. matt damon is just hot and his roles definitely up the hot factor. the bourne trilogy? done and done. he’s such a bamf and when he takes off his shirt and you see his muscles, it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to take notice.

5.) leonardo dicaprio

come on. leo in titanic? too precious. my first lofty crush, i got titanic for christmas the year it came out, which was probably an irresponsible move on my parents part. i definitely was not thirteen and there is brief nudity and strong sexual situations. he’s fine in blood diamond too, shedding his teenage artist look, bulking up to play a rugged rhodesian diamond hunter. he bulked up and became a bit more manly and me likey. i question his taste, dating blake lively, but like whatever, over it.

6.) george clooney

blah blah blah super cliched but i love his salt and pepper locks. i like that he slays mad biddies and refers to himself as the eternal bachelor. i don’t want a ring on it, i just want him in my lofted bed. also when he’s really tan, he looks a bit like javier barden (see number eight).

7.) ralph fiennes

i know he’s a legitimate actor and whatever, but my crush developed when i was a wee lass, watching maid in manhattan at my mom-mom’s. he played j lo’s love interest, a charismatic and cute politician who could do a mean american accent. another hottie in that movie? jlo’s son who now stars as that kid on teen wolf. also, he has the most obnoxiously english name i have ever heard: ralph nathaniel twisleton-wykeham-fiennes. i’ve seen hyphenated names before but never three! come here, bb and let’s add a smith to that name. note: I DO NOT LIKE HIM BALD.

8.) javier bardem

he’s not that good-looking, but he must be good in bed if he’s with fucking penelope cruz. watched a really depressing movie about him in spanish class called “mar adentro” and an even more depressing movie about him this summer called “biutiful.” i’d like to seem him take a more mainstream role in some sort of an action movie a la matt damon. but, whatever. nos vemos. ven aqui, mi amor.

9.) cayetano y francisco rivera ordonez

almost the ultimate fantasty (besides ewan). they’re not twins, but they are brothers, who are both spanish and both matadors. i fell in love with them in my senior year spanish class when we watched a clip from cbs’s special on them called “blood brothers.” i know the bullfighting industry is suffering a bit in spanish, with barcelona ending the tradition this year, so i’m not sure how they’re doing financially. cayetano became some sort of a model for a watch company i think and francisco is recently divorced and spain’s unemployment rate is somewhere around 35%. we’ll see what the newly elected opposition party brings, but i’m here, mocetones.

oye mi canto

myblogsdontlie — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 04:41:37 +0000

if you proud to be a taylor swift fan…hide the fuck back in your closet (wif me).

my defense mechanism to cope with my three hour flight delay to come home from thanksgiving was to succumb to regression. alone in my room, i bundled in my snuggie, watched victorious (because icarly wasn’t on), ate chocolate, and slept. and then i got a bizarre urge to listen to t swift. when i was a naive child, i always thought it would be super fun to have bunk beds or a lofted bed. i was dumb as shit. they suck and the commute from floor to bed becomes quite the arduous task. i don’t get out of bed, not even to puke, but the desire to listen to “our song” was seductive. i went to youtube, turned it all the way up, and watched the video a few times, eventually switching to the lyric vid because i found her all-american girl look to be too intimidating to my ididn’tshowertodayandhavebeenwearingthesamesweatpantsweatshirtoutfitbasicallyalldayandlooklikeanoccupyboston/homelessbum casual travel look (my swagger was way off). i may or may not have also engaged in a dance party for one. i was just helpless to her cutesey feminie wiles and lyrical memorization ensued. i know t swift is a big fucking deal cause she writes her own songs and whatever, but honestly she’s no conor oberst. after the fifth or six time watching, i realized that i have a lot of problems with the lyrics, laced with innuendo and dripping with school girl naivete.

He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart

to me, this sounds like middle school sexual innuendo. just sounds like someone hit a double and is coping a feel. dale!

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window

this is either an awful simile or taylor is into some kinky s&m. from my childhood, i’ve developed an aversion to screen doors and suffer intense flashbacks of getting my finger slammed in them each time i see one. also, stifling summer heat, sunburn, and splinters.

When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow
‘Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know

this is dumb, too. no one talks on the phone anymore, just send texts ‘n sexts. also, if i was talking on the phone to my hypothetical boyfriend and was trying to avoid a lecture from my parents on the importance of sleep, i would be talking quietly, not slowly. what the fuck would that do?

And when I got home, ‘fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again

i’m sick of her contrived country slang and facile religiousness. you’re a pop artist and if you were so religious honey, you would not be running around with john mayer and jake gyllenhall. if i remember correctlly, john-taylor was psot john-jessica, and we’ve all heard about john describing jessica as “sexual napalm.” he’s a dirty boy he needent sham, we know he am.

I almost didn’t notice all the roses
And the note that said

besides the obvious cliches, this screams blink-182 “all the small things” allusion. and if taylor lived the sheltered christian life she pretends to have done, her ‘rents would not have let her buy the heathen enema of the state album. first of all, the cover was garnished with a parental advisory label and graced by adult film star janine marie lindemulde (yeah, i did just look that up. this entry is also going to serve as a reminder that that is going to be next year’s halloween costume). BAM.

I grabbed a pen and an old napkin
And I wrote down our song

in general, it’s bad news bears to have a song with someone you’re dating. you’re probably going to break-up, and it’s going to take you days/weeks/months/years to be able to listen to that song again. also, writing shit on a napkin is hard. and homegirl chooses to write this song on an old one? like ew. it was probably filled with the teardrops on her guitar, or worse. anyone who says differently is a bloody liar. here’s looking at you, taylor!

vamos a la playa

myblogsdontlie — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 04:07:58 +0000

it’s time. summer time. and blogging time. i’m not entirely sure what prompted my return to the blogosphere, but i’m pretty sure it’s an interesting combination of fatigue, sun-poisoning, and alcohol. i haven’t blogged since october, and naturally, a lot has happened in the last few months, most notably, my decision to become, or at least embrace the gypsy culture. tlc’s new show, cleverly titled, “my big, fat gypsy wedding” has easily become my new favorite show, and inspiration, after watching the first episode which aired last friday, and the previews tlc was showing the previous sunday night. many misconceptions were addressed in the show, including that gypsies are not only located in eastern europe, as i previously thought, and not even in europe. the show seems to focus on the irish travellers, who seem to drink, fight, and not pay taxes – yet still make time to practice catholicism with extreme fervor. the two most important events in a woman’s life is her first communion and her wedding, and you know they do it big. all the fancy gypsies get their dresses designed by this fancy woman who lives across the water in liverpool or manchester (i can’t remember), and they adherently respect the belief that the more blood, the better. these dresses use/waste a ton of fabric, most of them weighing over seventy pounds. none of the girls can walk normally, and in one episode, a poor lass (first ostracized for being the only gypsy at the traditional service) had to be carried back to her car because the dress was heavier than her. they’re all tacky as hell, and a lot of them are hella slutty with slits basically to their untouched vajayjayz. the girls are born and raised to be wives; to serve their men. they cannot approach men to date and when they are dating, they cannot be alone. men often advance the nubile ladies through “grabbing,” which is when they pull them aside and try to get them to kiss them. despite the young girls being dressed like hookers, they often try to resist. i don’t think i can stress how much these girls dress and dance like strippers. sequins and cleavage up the wazoo, and many of them have the nerve to enter church like that. shit, i’d be embarrassed dressing like that in front of my parents on a normal day. despite dressing like atlantic city prostitutes, the girls are extreme moral, respecting the tradition of waiting til marriage for sex. blue ballin’ dem gypsy boys 24/7, no wonder they resort to grabbing. so, in addition to trying to work out more this summer, become more proficent in spanish, and make $$$, i’m adding becoming a gypsy to my list. and i better fucking step up my game soon because the average gypsy marries between 17 and 19.

la tortura.

myblogsdontlie — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 03:49:27 +0000

i came back from my brief jaunt back to philly today. i was doing some work and realized that a new keeping up with the kardashians was on. to my wonderful surprise, it was not only new, but the hour long finale. FUCK. it was pretty much great. i just love those girls. and their bad parenting. seriously, kendall should not be partying with the big girls, she’s only fourteen. i know kids grow up fast in hollywood but shieeet. i just found dis picture of them. kendall’s fourteen and kylie is twelve. yo, i was not looking like this when i was fourteen. shiet, i don’t look like that now. anyways, here is the recap:

kim began to officially date miles austin. reggie was basically jealous and was leaving nasty texts/calls. baby girl doesn’t keep anything private.
the fam (minus bruce, rob, and kylie-who wasn’t mentioned or seen in the episode at all-travel to new york to celebrate the fourth of july and khol’s birthday. all the girls get shit-faced, even kim who used to be somewhat of a teetotaler. miles seems to be overwhelmed by the paparazzi. my parenting issue: lil mason does not belong on a crazy yacht party.
while in new york, kourt, scott, and mason take a detour and visit scott’s parents in the hamptons. scott discloses he took a limo to school everyday for pretty much a year. they also visit adrienne (ex cheetah, ex girlfriend), who convinces kourtney to open a dash store in soho by telling her they can share clothes/stylists/vibrators again and she’ll babysit!
rob takes “boring” bruce clubbing and baby boy tries to way too hard to lose his homebody image. if you wanted to go out babe, why didn’t you just go to new york? he only got crazy after he saw a picture someone texted of kris twirling around some sort of a pole at the yacht party. he got his ears pierced and a modern hair cut. personally, i think the makeover was because of this article.
kim and miles break up, blaming the paparazzi. i feel like her and reg are gonna get back together. maybe. i don’t know. they’d have good-looking kids.
is khlo pregnant? I DON’T CARE, I JUST DISCOVERED HER BLOG.

por ti borra

myblogsdontlie — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 22:23:48 +0000

since i’ve come to school, i’ve been to student health services and the emergency room a combined total of at least ten times. why? no one knows. student health services certainly didn’t know the first two times i went, so i went to the er. the resident told me it was an abscess. which sounds dirty, but has nothing to do with the “sexual explosion” that boston university is according the the reputable college prowler. the cute lil azn had the same boots as me and drained that shit like tortellini. it was very painful. i was prescribed an antibiotic and my wound was healing lovely. i had to go to shs everyday for about a week to have it cleaned. yesterday morning i woke up feeling a lil ill. my glands felt swollen and i felt progressively worse during the day (and it had nothing to do with the six hours i worked on natural sciences shit). i went to bed early and called out of work and when i woke up this morning i called student health services and asked to make an appointment. i mentioned i had a fever and the receptionist was like “uhhh, we can’t see you if you have flu symptoms because you might infect everyone…i’ll transfer you to a nurse.” as though viruses could be transfered through the phone. i mentioned to the nurse i’ve been to shs a lot because of an abscess and wanted to make sure the fever wasn’t from an infection. as it so happens, i am allergic to the drug they prescribed and experience a delayed reaction. so now i’m on a new drug to alleviate the allergy and according to the side affects, i might become more psychotic than i already am (i think this is why i cannot find my phone), experience vertigo (shout out to bono and the rest of the boys), won’t be able to pee or poop, and am going to gain even more weight than appropriate for a frosh to gain. most interestingly, this drug impairs wound healing. and my wound isn’t fully healed. this may be my last blog post.

additional notes: ke$ha has a new song and me and hugo lahv eet.

my brother geled his hur back like a lil guid for his school picture and my mom is hella pissed.

same brother also told my mom that her friend looks a lot younger than her. SHIT LIST.

real news: bin laden is alive and well, living in luxury in northwest pakistan.

dia especial

myblogsdontlie — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 20:33:47 +0000

i’m about to study for my comparative politics midterm, i swear. i just realized i haven’t blogged in forever and wanted to wish everyone a happy columbus day (even though he was sort of maybe a dick?)! for some reason up until a few years ago, i thought he was portuguese for some reason and embarrassed myself in front of a few of my parents friends. i knew he sailed and colonized the “new world” for isabelle and ferdinand of spain, but knew he wasn’t spanish. it’s truly embarrassing. while reminiscing, i remembered reading an article in ap euro called something like ”the real christopher columbus” by my man, howard zinn, and being mildly appalled at the malicious behavior of the italian navigator. but then i just also read this article refuting false claims about columbus that was interesting. but then i saw it was from fox, and i prefer my news to be from bbc. my advice is not worry about the historical discrepancy and dance to kelis. HOLIDDDDAAAYYY!

or my favorite song (at the moment):

loca

myblogsdontlie — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 23:37:26 +0000

‘nancy clutter is always in a hurry, but she always has time. and that’s one definition of a lady.’ a cute quip from one of my favorite books, in cold blood. college has severely limited my physical tv watching and i’ve been reading a lot more lately. to address the quote, no, my name is obviously not nancy clutter and apparently i’m not a lady. ladies don’t get bitten by weird ass insects or go clubbing. or not wear pants and drink out of cups from urban outfitters that say ‘slut.’ ladies also probably don’t drink alcohol to any any level of intoxication or intend to dress like slutty poodle girls for halloween. ladies can bake pumpkin and ginger bread from trader joe’s because they have ovens and aren’t stuck with only a micro-fridge. ladies also probably make time to blog. ladies also probably don’t go to college and can just instantly transition to housewife after high school. or become a mail order bride. speaking of mail order brides, i was reading a trashy magazine waiting to get my prescription filled at cvs and read that alec baldwin made a joke to david lettermen about getting a mail order bride from the phillipines and is not welcomed there. alec, you fellow black irish devil, you are always welcome in my pants. true life: the only reason i didn’t turn off the royal tenenbaum’s was because he narrated.

alec baldwin: the sexiest bear in hollywood?

llevo conmigo un radar especial para localizar solteros

myblogsdontlie — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 14:55:18 +0000

i’m officially a college student. i’ve been living in my dorm for almost two weeks and i’m not quite homesick, but there’s definitely things i miss (in no particular order):

privacy. changing between closet doors is a transition.
television. i brought my tv up, but there’s no good place for it in the quad and it’s chilling awkwardly on top of my closet. and i barely watch it all. mostly because we don’t get fucking disney channel. we get nick and cartoon network and a shitload of international channels, but no disney. what. the. walt?
food. i think i read in college prowler once that bu has the second best college food in the country. the food really isn’t that bad, but i’m trying to get the most bang for my ~$10 meals and eating way too much. lobster night last night was fun. for everyone except the jews observing the holiday.
driving. i never had a car and rarely drove (bless you melissa), but i miss space cruising around berwyn blasting ghetto jams and driving to minella’s. or vomitting drunk kids around.
friends. thanks to skype and texting i’ve stayed in pretty much constant contact with my good friends, but the wifi here sucks my dick and skyping in front of a bunch of people is uncomfortable -_- (that emoticon is so cute when on facebook chat/i thought i invented it).
my dog. carlyle wouldn’t give miss a kiss before i left and i’m very bitter. i also think she liked boats and hos more than me.
the fam. my youngest brother wrote me a beautiful (nonsensical) poem on facebook and the older younger one allegedly said he missed me. i don’t like talking on the phone so everyone probably thinks i hate them but whatever. i did just call my grandmom, though, to tell her about the cherry tarts at lobster night.

keep it class, bu (jklulz).

sera sera

myblogsdontlie — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 21:21:12 +0000

i’m sitting in the laundry room waiting area at my dorm. college has been fun so far (probably because today was my first day of classes) and everyone’s been cooool. one of the reasons i chose to attend school in new england is because of the climate. a girl’s gotta have her four seasons and i like my winters like i like my favorite wendy’s drank. frosty. much to my dismay the weather here has been wicked hot. seriously in the nineties since i’ve got here. my dorm has no air-conditioning, despite going to one of the most expensive private schools in the country. we broke down how much each lecture costs per semester and it’s like two-hundred bills. i’m sitting in one of the only air-conditioned places in the building (the laundry waiting area) waiting for my wash to dry and listening to panic! at the disco at a semi-audible volume (waiting for someone to comment). it costs $1.50 to do a small load of wash and another $1.50 to dry it. they try to rip you off even more by telling you to separate the shit. i just did a mixed load and my shit is looking foine. bitches and ho. let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster! embarrassing: i used to rate all my itunes music and gave the entire ‘a fever you can’t sweat out album five stars.’ brb, dying of heat stroke.

BREAKING NEWS: i just discovered the spanish version of ‘hips don’t lie!’ this is a great video of a shaki sim dancing AND ran into someone in the bathroom that friended me on facebook in the summer.

estoy aqui, quierendote

myblogsdontlie — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 21:15:08 +0000

a beautiful bostonian named benjamin once said, “early to bed, early to rise, keeps a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” or something of that caliber. i’ve been having trouble sleeping recently and don’t know if it’s a side-affect of vicadin (prescribed for post-wisdom teeth pain) or because my new mattress topper allows me to get more deep sleep faster. but i haven’t been able to fall asleep until like one, and have been waking up between four and six, usually able to fall back asleep. except today i couldn’t. and it was an absolute blessing in disguise because boy meets world was on on abc family. allegedly, it was supposed to be followed by sabrina, but there was actually another episode of boy meets world.

lesson’s i’ve learned from an hour of boy meets world this morning:

if your relationship with your significant other begins to get dull and you decide to have fun with the boys, you will end up posing as one of your promiscuous friends at another school’s party. your significant other will also be there, pretending to be a french foreign exchange student. you will break up, only to get back together, and eventually get married, poppin’ out a few bristle-headed children.
if you decide to impress a girl by playing pool, neither you nor your competitor will find it impossible to sink any balls, until she leaves.
if you and your friend decide to take advantage of your neighbor/principal’s birthday present to your mom (a key to his pocono home), there will be no heat and you will meet a park ranger who is friends with a moose (even though there aren’t moose in pennsylvania). your neighbor/principal will end up going up for the weekend and you will end up bonding over your mutual hatred of doing dishes. you will accidently drop his watch from his late wife down the sink, and then retrieve it by going into the plumbing somehow.
if your parents name you sean/shawn, your middle name will inevitably be patrick.